Rude Awakening

The past couple of weeks have been good for me. Practically no anxiety, minimal depression, but a lack of motivation. I figure it is just the meds I am on now, and that once I am used to them, I will be able to balance out.

But nothing can prepare you for your daughter uttering the phrase “mom is dating a new guy”.

Yesterday morning, they increased my medication, and added a new one. I have a loss of appetite; I have not eaten since about 11 am yesterday. I am hungry, but I have no desire to eat. The meds that are supposed to fight my depression do not seem to be working, as I am sitting here in utter sadness after finding out that she has moved on. It isn’t that I wanted her back, at least as far as my mind says I do not, but it is the fact that she moved on without owning up to her mistakes and even making a serious effort to try to get our relationship back. It just hurts to know that we really did not mean that much to her.

Keep on going

The past few days I have been taking these anti anxiety meds, and while I am doing better with my anxiety, I have found that I have been experiencing a loss of motivation for a lot of things. I have had constant headaches, and have spent most of my time in bed watching Scrubs. I can’t help wondering if the meds are really worth it. I am going to attempt to deal with my yard work today, if I can avoid that dull ache in my head long enough. Side effects are the main reason I have spent most of my adult life avoiding medications. Sometimes, they can be a lot more trouble then they are worth. But maybe it is just an adjustment phase. I started wearing my glasses again, to see if that might help.

For the most part, I am doing okay. No serious depression this week, just that lack of desire to do anything that I really want to do. She even sent me a few texts over the past couple of days, and I wasn’t phased by them. I am supposed to increase my dosage next week, but I do not know if I am going to stay on these if the headaches do not subside.

Thought I was in the clear

I woke up this morning as the sun was rising. I went out onto the deck overlooking the backyard, a sat for a few with a coffee and a cigarette. Yes, I was so stressed out last night after I picked my daughter up from school, that I succumbed to my old habit.  As I sat there, I felt good. I thought, ‘Why am I smoking again?’ I set my mind to not falling back in to the tobacco trap, and put it out. I felt a new lease on life approaching, and a smile formed on my face. Today was going to be a really good day. I started thinking about all the things I was going to start doing, increasing my workouts, getting back on that diet; I thought I was ready to move on with my life. I had even started thinking I should make peace with my ex. I have been happy for hours now….

After I got my daughter out of the shower, she made a comment about me, my ex, and how her “friend” were a family…… My heart sank, and that pit in my stomach turned into a knot once again. I was not ready like I had thought I was. I calmly explained that no, we were not a family, that I was still sad about the whole thing. And I went back out for a cigarette. It is so hard to try to explain to my daughter how much hearing his name affects me; she isn’t able to understand it, and I have no desire to turn her against her mother. I was even going to forget about picking up the anti-depressants the therapist had prescribed me yesterday, but it is apparent that I in fact am going to need them if I plan to function normally. I have long avoided medications. I do not like the side effects a lot of them have, and the thought about altering who I am with a drug of any kind (pain reliever or anti-depressant or anything) has always bothered me. I do not like the thought of having to rely on a chemical substance to enable myself to function normally. I’m hungry but I can’t eat. Sucks when that happens…..

I am not in the clear…..not yet.

Change of Scenery

Today I took a little hike into the foothills of Salt Lake City while I was waiting for my 2nd appointment. I used to love hiking when I was younger, but I haven’t really gotten out onto the trails in a very long time. After hiking the trails for a little bit, I decided to climb part of the mountain. My knees ached by the time I reached my destination, but I sat there for an hour and a half and looked out across the valley. You never realize how much an area can change around you over the years, and since I have lived outside of Salt Lake City for several years, I was able to see that a lot really has changed. From where I was, I could see people using the trails. The majority of them had their dogs out with them, there were groups higher up the mountain then even I was. I never realized how many different trails there were out there.

Being up there was relaxing though; the breeze kept me cool even though the sun was beating down on me. Though I could hear the traffic around the University of Utah and Foothill Boulevard, it was still peaceful for me there. As I looked across the valley, I remembered the experiences I have had in this City, remembering the good and the bad. I thought about all of the places I have seen in my life, in Utah, in other states I have lived in, even the other Countries I have been to. I thought about Germany, and how much I enjoyed my short time there. I remembered the River walk that I visited while I was training at Fort Sam Houston.  The people I have met in these places, the friends I have had in my life; all the while I felt a sense of calm. I just wished I lived closer to the Foothills, I would spend more time up on those mountains. Since this all started up, today was the most calm I have felt being outside of my house. I feel that things are not lost after today. The world may feel like it is crashing down around me from time to time, but there is still hope that things will get better. I am holding onto this feeling as long as I can. Tomorrow will be a better day…….

One day at a time

I am in an okay mood today. She didn’t text me yesterday, so my depression didn’t fluctuate like it usually does. I didn’t feel any sudden anxiety flair-ups. I managed to work out for about 45 minutes; my abs are sore today. I found a few more workouts I am going to try to implement into my routine, help try to work off this extra weight I am packing around.
They say self improvement is something we should do to help get us through depression. Changing your diet, changing your routine, changing your level of activity…..I think getting back into shape is going to help me through my depression, it is mostly just finding the motivation to get there and do it I think. Changing my diet is a little harder then I would like though; I made a pan of lasagna yesterday…..I love lasagna. Not as much as my enchilada’s but I do love it. I did notice though that being out in public was really difficult for me yesterday. I almost left my grocery cart in an isle and left the store; but I managed to suck it up somehow and finish my grocery shopping. I was starting to think I was going to be okay, which is why I think I decided to go to the store to begin with. It became apparent to me yesterday that I was in fact not okay. My ex has been my support system as I have been working through an anxiety disorder and issues with PTSD. Even when I have not been with her, for several months I have been able to venture out into public with little to no feelings of panic. I was just  more comfortable being in groups of large people. However, since the break-up, I have started to regress. If a woman walks by, smiles and says “Hi” while I am dropping my daughter off at school, I feel a sudden impulse to move to an area void of anyone.
My urges to try to contact her have diminished though, and I am finding that without having to respond to her text messages, I have been in a much better state. I have found that being out away from home, somewhere that there are few people around has been okay for me. Today I am going to the recreation center down the road and I am going to walk for a while. Remain active, get out of the house, let the sun hit me for a while. I have moved into season 3 of Scrubs now. For the most part, watching that show really has been distracting me. It is still hard to get to sleep, and even harder to stay asleep once I do manage to accomplish the task.

Since I have a few things on my to-do list for today, I think that as part of my recovery, as the change of routine portion, I am going to attack my garage this week. It could use some attention in all honesty. Not to mention, it will make me feel better, by giving me a sense of accomplishment, as in I managed to accomplish something that didn’t involve feeling sorry for myself or pining over her. And of course, I will be writing something down here too, as for some reason I feel good when I do.

Had a good laugh

After a disappointing visit to my therapist yesterday, I was a bit worried that I would end up going to get beer and cigarettes last night at some point. I had gone to do a little workout last night, but that only helped for a short time. I have no one really to talk to, because other then my therapist, I do not really talk to anyone. I realized that I don’t even have any friends; my ex was my world so I didn’t feel like I needed any. So for a while last night, while I sat here alone, I really started to worry that I was going to give in to my weakened will and head to the convenience store.  So like normal, I went upstairs and laid down to watch some Netflix. The past few days I have been watching this and i realized that while it is on, while I focus on it, I am laughing. If it were a normal period in my life, I probably wouldn’t even notice that little detail. So for hours last night I was glued to SCRUBS.

I have moved into season 2 at this point, and I have 7 more to go; so I guess for at least as long as it takes me to get through the next 7 seasons, I have something to use to distract myself. Who knows, maybe by the time I finish all 9 seasons, I will be well enough to begin really working on my own recovery. If not, then I will have to see what other long running sitcoms they have on Netflix. Laughing really does help I have found. Even though I really do not want to laugh right now, I just can’t help it when I am watching this show. I won’t lie and say that I do not have an occasional thoughts creep in, because they do. From out of nowhere reality hits me and I lose my focus, but I eventually manage to push the thoughts away and focus once again on the show. It is still hard to fall to sleep, but at least for a while I am distracted from the pain and the sadness.

Some research today.

 

After my first posting, I was curious to know if I even had a good idea of how to recover from this loss I am dealing with. So I jumped into Google and wanting to see if I found anything real, I searched for “lonely heart’s club”. I found a few songs out there, and a Facebook group; but I also managed to catch a link to a Psychology today article from 2013. I am happy to say that I was not totally wrong about some of it. Of course she mentions some things I had not thought of really, but all in all, I was on the right track. Aside from that article, I decided to peruse a couple of other articles listed on the article, about narcissism.

Once upon a time ago, my ex-wife told me that she believed I was a narcissist. Maybe she saw this post too and figured that since I fit about 8 of the items on the list that I MUST be a narcissist! If I can be honest here, the reality of it is yes, I fit 8 items on this list; she fits 38 of the 50! After that article, I noticed this link too; so I clicked it. This was a surprise to me; she fit EVERYTHING ON THE LIST! After seeing this, I have been able to cut myself a little bit of slack, and I am not feeling nearly as much like to total failure in life. All I can say is I am so glad I decided to see my therapist today, I really need to have a talk about these findings. Maybe you  can relate to what I am dealing with, or maybe you know someone that can; still yet, maybe you have caused someone to be in this state…if so, shame on you!

From the main article though, I have taken from it that the most important thing for me to do is not let the abusive relationship I just escaped from dictate who I am. At this point, I really do not know who I am anymore. I have changed myself so much over the past 9 years, to be what she wanted me to be, that I honestly do not know myself anymore. Problem is I am not sure if I am ready to find out just yet. Pain is still pain, it still hurts, even though I know that it is not all my fault as I have been lead to believe.

If you are where I am I want to say I truly do feel for you. I really do wish you well, and I know that we all will be better soon, but we have to be willing to work on what is really important; ourselves! Take care!

A restless night

My back aches, but I suppose it is okay since it is distracting me from the headache I also have. I spent most of the night and morning laying there thinking. She tried to have another texting session with me; maybe I could have been a little nicer in ending it, but I was a bit upset. She asked if I would mind it if she took our daughter in for therapy, to see if we can isolate the cause of her attitude and personality problems; I told her that I have been asking her to do that for a year now. She never has bothered to listen to me. Yes, we have serious communication issues. I can’t blame them all on her though, I know I do my part in causing them. But it hit me last night at that point, and made that twisting nausea I have been dealing with for the past few days just that much worse. If I had been able to make her understand sooner how her being around this other guy made me feel, really made me feel, would we be okay now? I mean, she did say that she thought that she understood what I was trying to say yesterday, when we ended our conversation before I left to get our daughter from school. So now I sit here, running through it in my head over and over again. Every time I told her what her being around him made me feel like. Did she really just not get it then? Or is the reality of it that she was trying to pretend to be oblivious to my request so that she could keep this guy in her life? Should I be hurt or livid instead over this?

(Anyone know what it feels like to be pushed aside by that person you thought you loved in favor of someone that makes her feel ugly, inadequate, and not attractive? One reason I do not like – okay, absolutely HATE – this guy is because he does that to her every time she is around him)

I went through the stages again last night. I should just go get some beer, grab a pack of smokes, and get so drunk that I pass out and forget everything for a day. But as we know, I quit smoking and drinking 2 years ago. Besides, I have a 6 year old that depends on me to be here for her. So daddy just has to suck it up and deal with it as best as I can for now. I would cycle back around to the pleading for her to stay with me, to tell me it was all just a mistake and that we will be fine. I know that isn’t true, but if it will end the sadness and the pain for even a little while, maybe it is better. Then I cycle back to how this keeps happening with us, we couldn’t even make a marriage last. Everything that went wrong was my fault! At least that is what I hear during every argument, every rough patch.

I am a disabled Army Veteran, so I collect a check every month. When I lost my job in 2009, I went back to school, and was paid for it. That used to make her jealous she tells me. She used to get so mad that she had to work, but I got to sit home and still got paid. She tends to forget that I lost my Military career due to my inability to remain promotable. Bi-lateral knee pains, and they never could identify what the problem was in my shoulder. My injuries prevented me from doing 2 of the events during the PT test, so I had been placed on a P2 profile. I had no desire to be a career E4, so I opted to ETS in 2002 in the hopes that I would be able to correct the problems I was having and return to service 6 months later. I had hoped taking a break from the daily PT would allow my joints to repair themselves. I had wanted to be a soldier since I was 5 years old. When they gave me a disability rating, my depression set in. I was lost for years. but enough about that, the point of this is, I had been damaged while being employed by the Government, so that I could get paid to go to school. I had earned it, even though I would have preferred to still be in the Army.

She was jealous of my ability to get paid to go to school. She didn’t think it was fair. But then, she never really understood what I had to give up for it. So several of our arguments over the years included mentioning that I got to stay at home all the time while she had to work. My ability to go to school was my fault….. She used to tell me I needed to do more around the house, she was tired of cleaning everything herself. When I did, she would complain that I wasn’t doing it right. Then she would just do it herself anyway. I keep thinking, I should track down all of my former drill sergeants, my former 1st sergeants, and inform them that they have no idea how to clean……obviously, if they passed me on my white glove inspections all those years…. After I moved my daughter and I into that apartment with the vaulted ceilings, when she would come over, she would always say how clean our house was……O.o…..

We had arguments all the time about her daughters’ and helping out around the house. I remember when her 16 year old was 6, and her father was coming to pick her and her sister up for the weekend, I had asked her to clean up the mess she had made in the front room; she looked right at me and said, “that’s okay, mom will clean it up.” Sadly, that 16 year old now exhibits traits of a hoarder. I have never really said I told you so to my ex, but I do admit there have been so many times when I have wanted to. That same 16 year old has watched her mother lie to her family and friends for years; now my ex can’t understand why her daughter lies all the time about pretty much everything. She learned it from you sweet heart.

So that is a little bit of how my night went. I’m thinking I should maybe find some Disney tunes to listen to instead when I go to sleep, because my usual playlist isn’t really helping much right now. Anyway, I think I will bring this to a close before I write a novel of things no one cares to read about anyway. Take care!

Getting through the pain

Yesterday I ended the longest relationship I have ever had. I’d like to be able to say that it has been easy, but the reality of it, is that it is no easier now then it was when I separated from her in 2009. Yes, I have been in a relationship with the woman I am divorced from. The sad part of it all, is that the marriage barely made it 2 years, but we have been together off and on since 2002. In total, we have been involved for about 9 years. That is the longest relationship I have ever had if you take into consideration that from age 14 until I met my ex-wife I have had over 80 relationships. Yes I know, more then my fair share, but to be honest, I would have much rather had that be 1. I know I am  not the only one out there that has gotten married, then realized that marriage actually ruined the relationship, so I guess that sometimes, it is better to avoid it. I thought things were going well for us though. We have been raising our daughter (in separate houses) and we have gotten along so well over the past 4 years. I really thought that we were going to stay together like this; grow old together and have to endure the loss as one of us buried the other.

Last year, she started dating another guy. To be fair, since we separated, I have encouraged her to date when she could. I never wanted her to be alone really. She deserves to be loved by someone that can give her more then I could. But early in 2014, she told me that she felt we were soul mates, destined to be together. I processed that for a while, then I realized that I felt the same way. So I started trying to do right by her, pay more attention to her, spend more time with her, and especially, be there for her when she needed me (something I had totally failed at during our time together). Things were going really well I thought. We had gotten pretty close again, had been spending more and more time together, and I had even started therapy to help me get over my anxiety about going out in public places (long story). I was trying to be the man she had always wanted me to be, but could never give her. I think it was about September, I noticed that our daily text messages had suddenly been every 3 days. Since I like to give her the space she needs, I didn’t pester her, I just waited patiently for her to send a text. The weekly private time nights that we had started getting rare even. So I started getting the feeling something was wrong. When I did finally ask her about it, she said she was just really busy with work and stuff.

My daughter let slip that she was gone for the weekend in September, when she was over at her mothers house. I asked about that, and finally managed to get out of her that she had taken an overnight trip out to Wendover with some friends. One of the friends in particular, was someone she had started dating. On Halloween we were out at TGI Fridays, my daughter, my ex and I. As they were leaving, my daughter mentioned this guy that her mother was dating; and that’s when everything got bad. Epiphanies began to surface, and I had a panic attack that weekend. I mean, we had discussed working on being back together at the beginning of the year. We had discussed moving back in together, moving to Alaska eventually even. She let me believe that we were going to work out. But there she was, dating someone she met at work. She had hoped I didn’t find out about him, she never wanted me to. So much, that she tried to silence our daughter immediately after she let slip his name. In December, after a conversation we were having, she swore to me that she was just going to help this guy through the holidays, then be done with him. He was depressed at losing his job, and not seeing his children, and she felt that she had to help him. I reluctantly agreed to the terms she set, all the while watching her depression increase from the treatment he was subjecting her to.

January rolls around, and he is still around. February, same thing. Finally, Monday this week, I had finally had enough. I mentioned how much I disliked this guy in a text message to her, and she got mad. I didn’t hear from her for about 30 hours. By that time I was fed up, so I sent her back a message saying that I thought it would be better if we stopped seeing each other. She just can’t see or apparently understand how much this guy has affected me. He threatened my relationship with her. She had told me while at TGI Fridays that she didn’t think we were ever going to work out; keep in  mind, she had been dating this other guy for 2 months at this point. So yes, he was a threat as far as I was concerned. She promised me, actually said the words “I promise” that he will be gone in January.

It has been so hard for me to trust women, since my first divorce. I really thought I could trust her though. She had been there for me for so long, stayed with me even after I left, convinced me into staying with her really. At times I regretted going through with the divorce, and if it had not been for the house, who knows…..maybe we never would have gotten it. But I had to get it done before getting into the house I am in now. It makes me wonder though, if I had never moved into this house, if I had stayed in my apartment, would we have eventually moved back in together and stayed married? Or would things have just ended up where they are now anyway….? It is really hard to say, but it is not nearly as hard as it is to watch something you have worked on for so long just fall apart that quickly.

(Side note: “Rest in pieces” – Saliva, “Someone like you” – Adele, and “Over and Over” – Nelly, are not good songs to listen to when you are in the state I am in right now.)

So what do we do to get through the pain? For starters, if you know that you are prone to crawl back and beg her to take you back, try to avoid hinting that you still want to be with her. Better yet, try to avoid communication if at all possible for the first few days, to few weeks (everyone heals at different rates). If you are in a situation like myself, however, where you have to communicate because you have a child together, then the best thing to do (and I really need to practice what I preach) is limit conversation to things related to your child. I have been in a back and forth texting session with her for about an hour now, and finally got through to her what my side of the argument actually was. At this point, she says she has a lot of thinking to do. I would agree with her, but instead I just said we needed to take some time off from conversing to work on getting over this, because I really do not want to get to the point (again) of pleading for us to be together. We have ridden this train enough times now that we should both know…..it just is not going to work.

So, limit conversations to things not related to “US”. Or just avoid conversations all together.

If at all possible, make sure that any hint or suggestion of a possibility of getting back together is quickly halted by either politely changing the subject, or presenting (in a nice way) a very good reason why that would be a bad idea. (I need work on this one here!)

Under no circumstance should you go out to try to find someone new! Its called a “rebound” and those tend to be really bad for one or both involved. Probably better to just go out with friends and try to get your mind off of things. Save the romance for the point in time when you can once again look yourself in the face in the mirror and actually be happy. That, or hope to hell you meet someone also out looking for a rebound; that might help speed things along in the recovery of both of you (I am not an expert on the matter so please do not quote me!). For me, I think the best thing to do is just spend a lot more time with my daughter.

Something I have always believed, if you can’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you? With that in mind, take some time to grieve the death of the love you had; then start working on yourself. Been avoiding the gym for a few years (*raises hand*)? Start getting back into a normal workout routine. Yes, I have to get a new gym membership…….but that helps you with stress reduction, as well as self improvement. You start looking better, you start feeling better, you start looking better to others…or something like that. Start that diet, or make that dietary change that you know you should have stayed with (*again, raises hand*) to help with losing that unwanted weight (sure, it is only 30 pounds, but I really do not like seeing it!). Might also help to update that wardrobe a bit too (*do I even need to bother*) because that stuff you were wearing when you got together with that now missing part of your life, is really out of date. Basically, think new, think change, think improve. This part here is where I find myself looking now.

Later down the road, it might help to find your lost friends (and hope they will take you back!) or figure out where you can now go to meet new people, and make new friends. If you suffer from an anxiety disorder or PTSD, this might be a bit hard for you. Just do your best! As I mentioned earlier, this was the longest relationship I have ever been in. Which I suppose isn’t all that bad, considering that over time they have only gotten longer. So it is a comforting thought that eventually I might end up with someone longer then 9 years! But all things in time; stages first. So find your old friends or find some new ones. If you are a stay at home (mom or dad) you might find it a little more difficult; I know I do. I have no idea where to go anymore. The last place I made friends was a bar, and I quit drinking 2 years ago…….

I think that it is important to not give up. Depression sucks! Trust me, I know. I have found that distracting myself has been help; writing this I have not really been feeling the sadness and hopelessness I was a few hours ago. I try to remember the bad things in the relationship when I work out too, give myself a distraction from the weights for a bit and give me the desire to keep pushing. Work out that anger! I usually feel better for a few hours after a workout. And try not to kid yourself; depression is a mother, and it will sneak up and slap you across the face when you least expect it. So just try to be ready for that when it happens. I think today I am taking my daughter to the park again; and I have to go because she is out of school in a few minutes. That’s my rant for today though. Take care!